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Programming is like sex...
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life. -- Michael Sinz
Once you get started, you'll only stop because you're exhausted.
It often takes another experienced person to really appreciate what you're doing.
Conversely, there's some odd people who pride themselves on their lack of experience.
You can do it for money or for fun.
If you spend more time doing it than watching TV, people think you're some kind of freak.
It's not really an appropriate topic for dinner conversation.
There's not enough taught about it in public school.
It doesn't make any sense at all if you try to explain it in strictly clinical terms.
Some people are just naturally good.
But some people will never realize how bad they are, and you're wasting your time trying to tell them.
There are a few weirdos with bizarre practices nobody really is comfortable with.
One little thing going wrong can ruin everything.
It's a great way to spend a lunch break.
Everyone acts like they're the first person to come up with a new technique.
Everyone who's done it pokes fun at those who haven't.
Beginners do a lot of clumsy fumbling about.
You'll miss it if it's been a while.
There's always someone willing to write about the only right way to do things.
It doesn't go so well when you're drunk, but you're more likely to do it.
Sometimes it's fun to use expensive toys.
Other people just get in the way.
General Computer
"Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell."
"The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of whether submarines can swim." -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
"Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors." - the Jargon File.
"Real men don't use backups, they post their stuff on a public ftp server and let the rest of the world make copies." - Linus T.
"DOS computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form." - New York Times, November 26, 1991.
"The best accelerator available for a Mac is one that causes it to go at 9.81 m/s²."
"Memory is like an orgasm. It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it." - Seymore Cray, on virtual memory.
"Hacking is like sex. You get in, you get out, and hope that you didn't leave something that can be traced back to you."
"Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies." - Bill Bulko
"Anti-glare screens to prevent eye strain ??? In my day, you didn't need an anti-glare screen. With the power they consumed, when you turned your computer on, the whole building darkened!" - Simon Travaglia (the B.O.F.H.).
"Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes." - Edsger Dijkstra
"The question of whether computers can think is like the question of whether submarines can swim." - Edsger Dijkstra
"I mean, if 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick and dirty, you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your shoulders and say to yourself: 'Dijkstra would not have liked this', well that would be enough immortality for me." - Edsger Dijkstra
"Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window." - Steve Wozniak
Games
"It is ridiculous claiming that video games influence children. For instance, if Pac-man affected kids born in the eighties, we should by now have a bunch of teenagers who run around in darkened rooms and eat pills while listening to monotonous electronic music." - Anonymous
Software / Programming
"Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life." -- Michael Sinz
Always program as if the person who will be maintaining your program is a violent psychopath that knows where you live.
"Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31? = Dec25? !" - Andrew Rutherford.
"If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime."
"Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing." - Dick Brandon.
"Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !"
"A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do." - Greer's Third Law.
"Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code."
"Hey ! It compiles ! Ship it !"
"Software Engineering is that part of Computer Science which is too difficult for the Computer Scientist." - F. L. Bauer
"If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong." - Norm Schryer
Operating Systems
"19 Jan 2038 at 3:14:07 AM" - The end of the word according to Unix (2³² seconds after Jan 1st 1970).
"The memory management on the PowerPC? can be used to frighten small children." - Linus Torvalds
"/* You are not expected to understand this */" - comment in the context-switching code of the V6 Unix kernel
"UNIX is an operating system, OS/2 is half an operating system, Windows is a shell, and DOS is a boot partition virus." - Peter H. Coffin
Programming Languages
"C /n./: A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't." - Ray Simard.
"Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it."
"Going from programming in Pascal to programming in C, is like learning to write in Morse code." - J.P. Candusso.
"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." - Robert Firth.
"In Cpp it's harder to shoot yourself in the foot, but when you do, you blow off your whole leg." - Bjarne Stroustrup.
"I would rather use Java than Perl. And I'd rather be eaten by a crocodile than use Java." - Trouser.
"Assembler is programming grain by grain, Cpp brick by brick, Visual Basic is prefab. You only have to drag in the furniture" - Yves, Alain and Bert
"Learning BASIC causes permanent brain damage." - Edsger Dijkstra
"God is Real, unless declared Integer" - J.Allan Toogood, FORTRAN programmer
"Pascal keeps your hand tied. C gives you enough rope to hang yourself."
Bugs / Users
"User, n. The word computer professionals use when they mean 'idiot'." -- Dave Barry
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning." -- Rich Cook
"Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue."
"Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle." - Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programmers.
"My software never has bugs. It just develops random features."
"I sit looking at this damn computer screen all day long, day in and day out, week after week, and think: Man, if I could just find the 'on' switch..." - Zachary Good.
"Dude, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I'm afraid you've been hacked - the FTP server at 127.0.0.1 has all your personal files. See for yourself; just log in with your normal id..."
"'INSERT DISK THREE' ? But I can only get two in the drive !"
"You know you're a geek when... You try to shoo a fly away from the monitor with your cursor. That just happened to me. It was scary." - Juuso Heimonen.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." - Ken Olson, president/founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.
"Wanted: Expert Java programmers, 5+ years experience." - Posted in 1998.
"Whenever my Boss pisses me off, I secretly change the password to his e-mail account.
When he can't log on, he'll piss and moan for 5 minutes, cursing the computer. Then he'll come groveling to me for my help. Once he's groveled enough, I re-enter the right password from my office, go to his and watch him look like a dummy while I log-on easily. I just love it. Heh, heh, heh."
"Program testing can be used to show the presence of bugs, but never to show their absence." - Edsger Dijkstra
Microsoft / Intel
"Windows 95 /n./ 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition."
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981.
"Ever notice how fast Windows runs ? - Neither did I."
"I like my web servers just like my women... insecure and full of holes waiting to be exploited." - B. G.
"...the best way to prepare [to be a programmer] is to write programs, and to study great programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to the garbage cans at the Computer Science Center and fished out listings of their operating system." - Bill Gates.
"Bill Gates is so rich because he got his wish when he said: 'I wish I had a nickel for every time a PC reboots'."
"In a world without walls and fences, who needs Windows and Gates ?" - Dino Esposito
"'Intel Inside': The world's most widely used warning label." - Jim Hopper.
"'Intel Inside' is a Government Warning requied by Law."
"Print out the EULA, strike the offending paragraphs out, have it notarized, send a copy in a certified letter to Microsoft with a note saying that their signature (on delivery of letter) is acceptance of the ammended terms. End of story." - BlueUnderwear?.
"Our products just aren't engineered for security," - Brian Valentine (VP in charge of MS Windows Development)
"Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows."
"If google made $1 everytime someone used them to find an answer to a tech support question, they would own microsoft."
"Our most reliable OS yet !"* (*Based on total crashes since OS release) - Microsoft disclaimer about WinXP?.
"Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more user-friendly... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all the old brochures, and stamp the words, 'user-friendly' on the cover." - Bill Gates
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